Okay, so emotional intelligence (EI). If you’re scratching your head right now, no worries. This is one of those buzzwords that sound fancy but are actually, well, super important for your everyday life. Essentially, it’s your ability to recognize and understand your own emotions, and—this is key—manage them. But wait, it gets better. You also get to pick up on other people’s emotions and use that knowledge to navigate relationships like a pro.

I’ve been working on improving my emotional intelligence for a while. Let me tell you, it’s not as straightforward as solving a Rubik’s cube, but trust me, the results are worth it. I’ve made a lot of mistakes—like the time I reacted too fast in an argument and ended up apologizing for a week. (Oops.) But hey, that’s part of the deal, right? Anyway, here’s how you can do it too, without the over-apology phase.

1. Start with Self-Awareness—No, Really

Here’s the thing: you can’t improve what you don’t even know exists. So first, get cozy with your emotions. Know what’s going on inside before it all spills out. You wouldn’t try to drive a car blindfolded, right? Same deal with your emotions.

• Journaling—Yeah, it sounds like something my 12-year-old self would do, but hear me out. Writing about how you feel can really open your eyes to what’s going on underneath. Sure, it might start with “Ugh, I’m so tired,” but eventually, you’ll realize there’s more to it—like how your boss’s vague emails are giving you serious stress.
• Mindfulness (Not the Instagram Version)—You’ve probably heard about mindfulness a lot, but let me tell you, when I started trying it, it wasn’t about chanting mantras in a peaceful meadow (I wish). No, it’s about noticing when your emotions are running wild and breathing through it.

I remember trying mindfulness for the first time. I sat there, felt totally awkward, and kept thinking about my to-do list. But that one time I stuck with it, it clicked. It was like turning the volume down on my inner chaos.

• Feedback, People. Take It.—I know, I know, getting feedback from others is tough. It feels like a gut punch sometimes. But if your friends or coworkers are brave enough to tell you how your emotions affect them, listen. You might be surprised (and maybe a little embarrassed, but hey, that’s growth).

1. Empathy: Not Just a Buzzword

Empathy is the golden ticket to not being a jerk. Basically, it’s the ability to understand where someone else is coming from emotionally. But empathy? It’s not automatic. You have to work at it.

• Active Listening—This isn’t just nodding while someone talks. This is like, really listening. Like when you’re on the phone with your mom and she’s telling you the same story for the fifth time in a row, but you still act like you’re hearing it for the first time. (Guilty as charged.)
• Validate Feelings—Here’s where I failed big time. I used to say stuff like, “You’ll be fine,” or, “It’s not that bad.” But people don’t want to hear that when they’re upset. They want to feel heard. My friend Jesse, for example, just wants me to say, “That sucks, I get why you’re upset.” Seems simple enough, but I used to mess that up a lot.
• Offer Emotional Support—Don’t rush to solve problems. Sometimes, folks just want someone to sit with them, not fix them. This was hard for me at first because, well, I love giving advice. But letting someone just vent? Huge win for emotional intelligence.

1. Regulating Your Emotions—Before You Blow a Fuse

Okay, this one’s tough. In fact, I’m still working on it. Emotional regulation means controlling your feelings in high-stress situations. You know, not exploding when your barista messes up your order for the third time.

• Take a Beat—My go-to move is to pause for a moment. It’s like pressing the “stop” button in your brain. When I’m about to send a rage-text, I pause, breathe, and ask myself, “Is this worth it?” Most times, it isn’t.
• Reframing Thoughts—Here’s where my brain loves to mess with me. I’ll be like, “This is the worst thing ever!” And then I remind myself, “Actually, no, it’s just an annoying situation that will pass in five minutes.” Changing how you think about things can cool off your emotional volcano.
• Stress-Reduction—I know, you’ve heard it before: deep breathing, exercise, whatever. But for me, it’s a run. Or a short walk. Getting out of my head and moving helps me reset. I’m talking about those days when everything is spiraling. Just take a breather.

1. Social Skills: Mastering the Art of Relationships

Okay, you want to be good at emotional intelligence? You gotta talk to people. Yup. In person. Not just texting your friends “LOL.”

• Communicate Clearly—This sounds basic, but you’d be shocked how often I mess it up. My first instinct in conflict is to get defensive. But honestly? Calmly stating how I feel without blaming others? Huge win.
• Conflict Resolution—Here’s where I get my greatest test. Like, when my roommate left the dishes in the sink for three days, I was ready to rage. But instead, we sat down, talked it out, and—shockingly—avoided World War III.
• Appreciation—It’s so simple but so effective. Saying “Thank you” or “I appreciate you” goes a long way. My neighbor, Karen, swears her garden thrives because she tells her plants, “Good job, y’all.” It works—trust me.

1. Get Your Own Motivation in Check

Self-motivation is key to emotional intelligence. But let’s be honest, it’s also one of the hardest parts. I’ve gone through phases where I’m motivated like a caffeinated squirrel—and then… the motivation disappears. Poof.

• Set Goals—The more specific, the better. My friend Pam says she gets more done when she writes everything down, like: “Today, I’ll finish that report.” As opposed to vague goals like “Be more productive” (which, let’s face it, is never gonna happen).
• Growth Mindset—Look, failures happen. My herb garden, RIP Gary, proved that. But a growth mindset means I learned from it. I laugh now, but it wasn’t funny when my rosemary died faster than my 2020 sourdough starter. RIP, Gary.
• Celebrate Wins—I’m hella good at celebrating tiny wins. Like, when I make it through a full week of morning runs, I reward myself with extra coffee. Seriously, a win is a win, no matter how small.

1. Stress Management—Just Chill Already

We all know stress is the worst. But seriously, if you want emotional intelligence, you’ve got to get a grip on it. You can’t be emotionally intelligent when your anxiety’s running the show.

• Recognize Stressors—I’ll admit, my stress is mostly self-inflicted. You know, the endless to-do lists I make but never finish. Once I realized I was doing this to myself, I made some adjustments.
• Relaxation Techniques—Sometimes I just need to sit in silence. No phone, no distractions. Just breathing. It works better than you’d think.
• Healthy Lifestyle—No surprise here, but exercise really helps. And I’m not talking about running a marathon. Sometimes, it’s just a 10-minute walk to clear my head.

1. Therapy—Yeah, It’s Okay to Ask for Help

I know, therapy sounds like a big deal. But y’all, sometimes it’s exactly what you need. Whether it’s talking to a professional or a coach, getting that third-party perspective can do wonders for your emotional intelligence.

• Therapy—Look, it helped me work through some deep emotional stuff, and I’m way better at dealing with my feelings now. No shame in it.
• Coaching—There’s this amazing emotional intelligence coach I found in town—Sarah at the local wellness center. She really knows her stuff.

Conclusion: Wrapping Up (Like I Said, It’s a Process)

Improving emotional intelligence? It’s no easy feat, but honestly, it’s worth the effort. I’m still learning, making mistakes, and figuring it out. But every step forward counts. From journaling to active listening to practicing mindfulness, there are so many ways to grow emotionally. And trust me, you will see the benefits—not just in yourself, but in your relationships, too.

And remember, when in doubt, take a breath. Sometimes that’s all it takes.